My Testimony

So, it occurs to me that I have not shared my testimony yet on here with all of you wonderful people! I realize that it is not exactly a Bible Study, and I will hopefully get it moved to somewhere clickable, rather than on the blog itself, but for now...here you go!


Ever hear someone say that they were "raised as a Christian" or "raised in a Christian home"? Well, that was me. For years I thought that I was a Christian myself, simply because my mom was/is (and at the time I thought my dad was too). I always believed that God was real, and had some basic faith, but to call myself a Christian would be a bit of a far stretch. It wasn't until I was about fourteen that I feel I could truly call myself by that name, and it was when I was fifteen that I was finally baptized. Sometimes I question my motives, though, and wish that I had it all to do over again. I know that a baptism is more a declaration for those around you to see, and therefore there is no point in doing it again, but it just feels like I did it for the wrong reasons. I truly believed and wanted to be baptized, but the only reason I chose that exact time was because my friend wanted to, also. I didn't want to do it alone. Now I wish I would have waited until I TRULY knew what my faith meant to me (well, as close as I can get for now. Can we ever truly know, until our dying day, that is?).


So, things went downhill for me from there. I had suffered from depression since the age of ten, and quite possibly before then. It just wasn't until that age that any medical professionals would even CONSIDER that that could be my issue. Even then, it took them years to take the right actions. My life sucked. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm just going to come out and say it - my life was a living hell. I spent years wanting to die. I spent years wondering why God created me in the first place. I couldn't help but wonder why He would create someone just to suffer. I began to wonder if I was a creation made only to satisfy His sick amusement. It was my pain and lies of the enemy that created these thoughts, but at the time it didn't really matter where they came from.


My razor blade was one of my best friends. We certainly spent a fair amount of time together. I never slit my wrists, but I did cut. I overdosed on pills a few times, too, but only once did I actually get an emergency room visit out of it (thankfully). I was discharged, because you see, I was a very good actor. No one ever suspected that anything was wrong unless I wanted them to. So basically, unless you were my mom, you had no idea. I spent my time listening to "emo" music and watching horribly gory and scary movies. I'll admit right now that I still occasionally like a good scary movie, but I can't handle the gore anymore, a gift that I feel God gave me. I barely ever prayed and most of my friends were not Christians. The ones that were were the ones that I avoided. I was in a very bad place.


When it turned out that I wasn't going to be finishing school, the one thing that I had taken pride in my whole life, I was crushed. This felt like the final straw, my last reason to live taken away from me. And even worse, I lied to my dad about it for years. I told him I was going, when I wasn't. He knew the truth pretty much the whole time, but I didn't know that until right before he moved out. I lied. I cut. I tried to kill myself. I entertained every single negative thought that came within reaching distance of my mind. I left SO many cracks open for the devil to enter that it's amazing I'm even still here.


I could probably go into MUCH more detail about the painful events that happened in my life, but I will just leave it at that. I feel like that is a pretty good summary of how bad life was for me, or at least how bad I felt it was. 


Anyway, when I was 21 I decided to get a haircut downtown. Yes, that is actually relevant to this story! Afterward, my mom and I went and listened to some old family friends play music. We were invited to the new "church" the family had started up. I use quotations because there is no actual pastor, and it is more of a fellowship. To me it was a chance to be in a church environment where I was no longer left behind. Coming from a church of around three thousand, and being shy, makes it easy to be passed right by. I knew from the very first time going that God was about to start making changes. 


I struggled a TON over the next year, most likely because the devil felt that he had to fight extra hard at this point. Things were very up and down, very much a roller coaster of life. It wasn't until a friend convinced me to go to College Group, a group of young adults that worship and just love God with all we have, every Friday night that things took a complete one eighty for me.


The very first night I went, my new friend was spoken to by the Lord. He told her that someone in the room struggled from anxiety, and long story short, a bunch of people prayed over me and I was told that I was healed. I was wary, I admit. I had began to gain a greater trust in God a few weeks before, but I had my doubts. I also couldn't help but think, "If this is what happens the first week, what happens the second?" Well, as I left and heard my friend shout, "You are healed, girl!" my new life began.


Six weeks ago this coming Friday I WAS healed. It wasn't just my anxiety, either. It was my depression (I'm still on medication, but who knows, maybe one day even that will be gone). It was my desire to party. It was my desire to drink. It was my desire to stop being a "good girl" as I had begun to feel that it was a bad label to have. Now I wear it with pride!


I learned that you CHOOSE to be happy. Take today, for instance. It started out majorly crappy. I didn't want to get up. I had gone through MAJOR spiritual warfare last night, and I was exhausted not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally, too. I was tired of letting things get in my way of success, though, and so I dragged myself out of bed and got to school. My day turned around because I chose to turn it around, and even more so, because God put amazing Christian friends in my path throughout the day. 


I have been healed. I have become a totally new person. That shy girl I was? Yeah, she's pretty much gone. Sometimes, I'm impossible to shut up. I'm much less afraid to speak up these days. I'm excited to share my story and God's Love with others. I know, without a doubt, that God has BIG plans for me and my life. I know that I truly am the Miracle Baby that my mom has called me my entire life. I am truly Healed. I am truly Saved.