So, it occurs to me that I have not shared my testimony yet on here with all of you wonderful people! I realize that it is not exactly a Bible Study, and I will hopefully get it moved to somewhere clickable, rather than on the blog itself, but for now...here you go!
Ever hear someone say that they were "raised as a Christian" or "raised in a Christian home"? Well, that was me. For years I thought that I was a Christian myself, simply because my mom was/is (and at the time I thought my dad was too). I always believed that God was real, and had some basic faith, but to call myself a Christian would be a bit of a far stretch. It wasn't until I was about fourteen that I feel I could truly call myself by that name, and it was when I was fifteen that I was finally baptized. Sometimes I question my motives, though, and wish that I had it all to do over again. I know that a baptism is more a declaration for those around you to see, and therefore there is no point in doing it again, but it just feels like I did it for the wrong reasons. I truly believed and wanted to be baptized, but the only reason I chose that exact time was because my friend wanted to, also. I didn't want to do it alone. Now I wish I would have waited until I TRULY knew what my faith meant to me (well, as close as I can get for now. Can we ever truly know, until our dying day, that is?).
So, things went downhill for me from there. I had suffered from depression since the age of ten, and quite possibly before then. It just wasn't until that age that any medical professionals would even CONSIDER that that could be my issue. Even then, it took them years to take the right actions. My life sucked. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm just going to come out and say it - my life was a living hell. I spent years wanting to die. I spent years wondering why God created me in the first place. I couldn't help but wonder why He would create someone just to suffer. I began to wonder if I was a creation made only to satisfy His sick amusement. It was my pain and lies of the enemy that created these thoughts, but at the time it didn't really matter where they came from.
My razor blade was one of my best friends. We certainly spent a fair amount of time together. I never slit my wrists, but I did cut. I overdosed on pills a few times, too, but only once did I actually get an emergency room visit out of it (thankfully). I was discharged, because you see, I was a very good actor. No one ever suspected that anything was wrong unless I wanted them to. So basically, unless you were my mom, you had no idea. I spent my time listening to "emo" music and watching horribly gory and scary movies. I'll admit right now that I still occasionally like a good scary movie, but I can't handle the gore anymore, a gift that I feel God gave me. I barely ever prayed and most of my friends were not Christians. The ones that were were the ones that I avoided. I was in a very bad place.
When it turned out that I wasn't going to be finishing school, the one thing that I had taken pride in my whole life, I was crushed. This felt like the final straw, my last reason to live taken away from me. And even worse, I lied to my dad about it for years. I told him I was going, when I wasn't. He knew the truth pretty much the whole time, but I didn't know that until right before he moved out. I lied. I cut. I tried to kill myself. I entertained every single negative thought that came within reaching distance of my mind. I left SO many cracks open for the devil to enter that it's amazing I'm even still here.
I could probably go into MUCH more detail about the painful events that happened in my life, but I will just leave it at that. I feel like that is a pretty good summary of how bad life was for me, or at least how bad I felt it was.
Anyway, when I was 21 I decided to get a haircut downtown. Yes, that is actually relevant to this story! Afterward, my mom and I went and listened to some old family friends play music. We were invited to the new "church" the family had started up. I use quotations because there is no actual pastor, and it is more of a fellowship. To me it was a chance to be in a church environment where I was no longer left behind. Coming from a church of around three thousand, and being shy, makes it easy to be passed right by. I knew from the very first time going that God was about to start making changes.
I struggled a TON over the next year, most likely because the devil felt that he had to fight extra hard at this point. Things were very up and down, very much a roller coaster of life. It wasn't until a friend convinced me to go to College Group, a group of young adults that worship and just love God with all we have, every Friday night that things took a complete one eighty for me.
The very first night I went, my new friend was spoken to by the Lord. He told her that someone in the room struggled from anxiety, and long story short, a bunch of people prayed over me and I was told that I was healed. I was wary, I admit. I had began to gain a greater trust in God a few weeks before, but I had my doubts. I also couldn't help but think, "If this is what happens the first week, what happens the second?" Well, as I left and heard my friend shout, "You are healed, girl!" my new life began.
Six weeks ago this coming Friday I WAS healed. It wasn't just my anxiety, either. It was my depression (I'm still on medication, but who knows, maybe one day even that will be gone). It was my desire to party. It was my desire to drink. It was my desire to stop being a "good girl" as I had begun to feel that it was a bad label to have. Now I wear it with pride!
I learned that you CHOOSE to be happy. Take today, for instance. It started out majorly crappy. I didn't want to get up. I had gone through MAJOR spiritual warfare last night, and I was exhausted not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally, too. I was tired of letting things get in my way of success, though, and so I dragged myself out of bed and got to school. My day turned around because I chose to turn it around, and even more so, because God put amazing Christian friends in my path throughout the day.
I have been healed. I have become a totally new person. That shy girl I was? Yeah, she's pretty much gone. Sometimes, I'm impossible to shut up. I'm much less afraid to speak up these days. I'm excited to share my story and God's Love with others. I know, without a doubt, that God has BIG plans for me and my life. I know that I truly am the Miracle Baby that my mom has called me my entire life. I am truly Healed. I am truly Saved.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Isaiah 65:17-18: Rejoice in the New
This will be yet another short Bible study, as it is only two verses. This one, and the previous one, are ones that I decided to study while at a church service on New Years Eve. I loved that they spoke about being new at a time when things were about to be made new again, so to speak. This one isn't really that hard to understand, so I don't know how much input I will have, but I just really want to post it. I truly hope that you can get something out of such a short study!!
"For behold, I create new heavens and earth; And the former shall not be remembered or come to mind." - Isaiah 65:17
How this relates in our lives: I think there are a TON of ways that we could relate this to our own lives, some that are spiritual and probably some that are not. I think the main one is when we become Born Again Christians. The old is made new, we become a new creation. I don't know about you, but five weeks ago tomorrow, when it all changed for me, I full on began to feel like a new creation! I was no longer the girl I had once been. Now, I wasn't new to being a Christian, but I WAS new to trusting God totally and completely. I WAS new to leaning mainly on Him and a group of Christian friends that would hold me up in prayer and encouragement (not new to having such friends, but new to leaning on them). I WAS new to being outgoing and putting myself out there. I could probably list at least twenty ways that I became new, but we'll just leave it at that for now. Point is, I became new. The old me was gone. Now, I don't think that this verse would suggest that we don't learn from our mistakes, but I DO think that we need not dwell on them. I get SO caught up in mistakes that I make sometimes that I feel lost, and as though I can't ever find my way back! There is no need to remember and/or dwell on such things. And as a whole, this goes for earth in a literal term, too. No one wants to forget 9/11, but we don't want to dwell on it. I am just now realizing, as I type, how many ways this is applicable. Isn't it just so exciting how many ways we can apply God's Word to our lives?
"But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create; For behold, I create Jerusalem as a rejoicing, And her people a joy." - Isaiah 65:18
How this relates in our lives: Are you ever afraid of change? I definitely was before my transformation, and do you want to know a secret? I still am sometimes! But here's the deal, worrying gets us nowhere, and any and all change can be used to better the Kingdom of our Lord! So, when something is made new or changes, rejoice in it and remember that it's because God has something better! Didn't get into the school of your dreams? Well, maybe God has something planned for you somewhere else that you couldn't have accomplished from there. I know that accepting my depression and not finishing high school as something that God would use was basically impossible for the longest time. Finally, though, the moment came when I got my GED, started community college, and was healed! Now I have experiences that I can share with others. Now I can tell someone else struggling with any or all of those things that it WILL get better and that they will come out stronger for it. I feel as if I have rambled myself off course here, but it was a point I felt moved to make. Bottom line is this: you can complain or worry (which will get you nowhere) or you can rejoice in what God has planned for you, which will get you everywhere!
I pray that you have gotten at least something out of this, as I feel like I went WAY off course and possibly made no sense. Sometimes I think I start going in one direction, focusing on one area, when God decides to steer me in a different direction. And hey, who am I to argue with God? So, thank you for reading and God bless!!! <3
30 Day Challenge: Day 5
"For behold, I create new heavens and earth; And the former shall not be remembered or come to mind." - Isaiah 65:17
How this relates in our lives: I think there are a TON of ways that we could relate this to our own lives, some that are spiritual and probably some that are not. I think the main one is when we become Born Again Christians. The old is made new, we become a new creation. I don't know about you, but five weeks ago tomorrow, when it all changed for me, I full on began to feel like a new creation! I was no longer the girl I had once been. Now, I wasn't new to being a Christian, but I WAS new to trusting God totally and completely. I WAS new to leaning mainly on Him and a group of Christian friends that would hold me up in prayer and encouragement (not new to having such friends, but new to leaning on them). I WAS new to being outgoing and putting myself out there. I could probably list at least twenty ways that I became new, but we'll just leave it at that for now. Point is, I became new. The old me was gone. Now, I don't think that this verse would suggest that we don't learn from our mistakes, but I DO think that we need not dwell on them. I get SO caught up in mistakes that I make sometimes that I feel lost, and as though I can't ever find my way back! There is no need to remember and/or dwell on such things. And as a whole, this goes for earth in a literal term, too. No one wants to forget 9/11, but we don't want to dwell on it. I am just now realizing, as I type, how many ways this is applicable. Isn't it just so exciting how many ways we can apply God's Word to our lives?
"But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create; For behold, I create Jerusalem as a rejoicing, And her people a joy." - Isaiah 65:18
How this relates in our lives: Are you ever afraid of change? I definitely was before my transformation, and do you want to know a secret? I still am sometimes! But here's the deal, worrying gets us nowhere, and any and all change can be used to better the Kingdom of our Lord! So, when something is made new or changes, rejoice in it and remember that it's because God has something better! Didn't get into the school of your dreams? Well, maybe God has something planned for you somewhere else that you couldn't have accomplished from there. I know that accepting my depression and not finishing high school as something that God would use was basically impossible for the longest time. Finally, though, the moment came when I got my GED, started community college, and was healed! Now I have experiences that I can share with others. Now I can tell someone else struggling with any or all of those things that it WILL get better and that they will come out stronger for it. I feel as if I have rambled myself off course here, but it was a point I felt moved to make. Bottom line is this: you can complain or worry (which will get you nowhere) or you can rejoice in what God has planned for you, which will get you everywhere!
I pray that you have gotten at least something out of this, as I feel like I went WAY off course and possibly made no sense. Sometimes I think I start going in one direction, focusing on one area, when God decides to steer me in a different direction. And hey, who am I to argue with God? So, thank you for reading and God bless!!! <3
30 Day Challenge: Day 5
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Ephesians 4:20-24: We Are New!
So, I thought that it was a perfect time to post about being new. I have a few different good places to study in that area, and will probably focus on them the next 2 or 3 days. Today, we will be looking at Ephesians 4:20-24. This will be a fairly short study, as it is focusing on certain verses, rather than the entire chapter, but I hope you get something out of it anyway!
"But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, according to the deceitful lusts." - Eph 4:20-22
How this relates to our lives: Well, to me this says that if we have given our lives to Christ, truly given ourselves to Him and decided to follow His Truth and His Will, we will obey. Lust is just one of the many things that we are to avoid. This makes me think of the 10 commandments. We may make mistakes, but we no longer DESIRE to be our former selves. We desire God more than the horrible things we used to do. We feel conviction when we mess up. God comes before all of those lies we tell ourselves.
"...and be renewed in the spirit of your mind." - Eph 4:23
How this relates to our lives: Basically, we have to renew our spirits and our minds daily. We make mistakes, and we must ask God to forgive. We have to make an effort to not look at that guy/girl and lust over them or to not cuss. It can be hard to respect certain people, but we need to try. And when we mess up, we need to go to God with humility. We need to ask to be forgiven and that He will change our hearts.
"...and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." - Eph 4:24
How this relates to our lives: Well, God created us new. The moment we gave our lives over to Him, we became a new creation. You see now how this relates to the New Year? It is a fresh start, a time to make amends, to work on changing things we don't like about ourselves, and to make goals. Is growing closer to God one of your goals? I know it is one of mine. And if it isn't, then you should really think about making it one of them. You should search your heart and find what is missing. I can already tell you, if you don't have Jesus, then that is what is missing.
2012 is going to be an amazing year. I know that God is going to move and do INCREDIBLE things! I know that God will change me and those around me in amazing ways. I know that God's Hand will be in everything that I do because that is what I chose. I desire more and more of God at all times. I desire for Him to take complete control. He has made me into a new creation very recently. It's a New Year, maybe it's time that you were made a new creation too!
Happy New Years and I love you guys!
"But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, according to the deceitful lusts." - Eph 4:20-22
How this relates to our lives: Well, to me this says that if we have given our lives to Christ, truly given ourselves to Him and decided to follow His Truth and His Will, we will obey. Lust is just one of the many things that we are to avoid. This makes me think of the 10 commandments. We may make mistakes, but we no longer DESIRE to be our former selves. We desire God more than the horrible things we used to do. We feel conviction when we mess up. God comes before all of those lies we tell ourselves.
"...and be renewed in the spirit of your mind." - Eph 4:23
How this relates to our lives: Basically, we have to renew our spirits and our minds daily. We make mistakes, and we must ask God to forgive. We have to make an effort to not look at that guy/girl and lust over them or to not cuss. It can be hard to respect certain people, but we need to try. And when we mess up, we need to go to God with humility. We need to ask to be forgiven and that He will change our hearts.
"...and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." - Eph 4:24
How this relates to our lives: Well, God created us new. The moment we gave our lives over to Him, we became a new creation. You see now how this relates to the New Year? It is a fresh start, a time to make amends, to work on changing things we don't like about ourselves, and to make goals. Is growing closer to God one of your goals? I know it is one of mine. And if it isn't, then you should really think about making it one of them. You should search your heart and find what is missing. I can already tell you, if you don't have Jesus, then that is what is missing.
2012 is going to be an amazing year. I know that God is going to move and do INCREDIBLE things! I know that God will change me and those around me in amazing ways. I know that God's Hand will be in everything that I do because that is what I chose. I desire more and more of God at all times. I desire for Him to take complete control. He has made me into a new creation very recently. It's a New Year, maybe it's time that you were made a new creation too!
Happy New Years and I love you guys!
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